Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
