i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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