some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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