I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
