I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
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