Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
