so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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