You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
