oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
