i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Randomize
