Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
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