i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
