My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He shit in the fireplace
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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