I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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