I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
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