I puked a lego.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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