Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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