i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
