Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
