She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
