what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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