She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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