smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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