I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Randomize
