dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Randomize
