Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
