If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
