Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
