It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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