My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
