Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have aggressive nipples.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I need to align my fucking chakras
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