how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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