Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
