I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
