she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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