So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
