**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
