I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
