yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
