You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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