And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
