my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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