I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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