you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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