i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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