I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
