Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
