ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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