I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
