Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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